Welcome to My Silent Lucidity REVAMPED!!!!

Four years since I last blogged.

Wow! A lot has happened since then!

I have deleted all the old posts here as those were from a much darker time in my life. Perhaps I should have left them up for prosperity sake but there are people out there who would use them against me to perhaps say I was "crazy".

People snap.

I snapped.

At least I didn't kill anyone.


The divorce.
My son going to jail.
The break down of my daughter and I's relationship.
The break down of my family as a whole.

That's A LOT of one mind to deal with much less when it all happens at once. It's enough to make anyone break. And that's what I did. Luckily for me, I got, educated, dedicated and medicated. And I got better. Yes, I still have those days, sometimes weeks, that I struggle through depression, mania and sometimes both. This is why I write. I give all those voices a chance to speak and there are a few I chose to share those times with, so that there can be some perspective and maybe one day an understanding of the bipolar mind. Books helped me in my darkest hours and maybe one day my journey will be made into a book and I can help someone else. I can always dream and pray that my words may always be uplifting and educational.

Oh that was such a deeply dark time in my life, that I wasn't sure I would make it through. But here I am almost 5 years later.

I wont say the dark times won't come again. Doctor's say absolutely they will happen again. Just the way my brain is wired. But, now I have a way to deal with those times.

Writing is one of those ways.

It's my therapy.

Something I learned while I was in the hospital. But haven't really had time to devote to it. Because like right now I have a 13 month old running around my feet and climbing under my chair while crying and so my writing has taken a backseat to say the least.

I do have various forms of writing that I enjoy doing, from narrative to erotic. Don't worry. You wont see any of the former here. I have made a separate account for that.

I KID. LOL.

I do that a lot by the way, kid that is.

I use to write a lot on MySpace, but then all the douchebags and trolls showed up. And by that, I mean those who can not express an opinion without resorting to name calling or the personal attack of another's beliefs or views. It was heartbreaking really. I think that may have played at small percent, like 0.01%, in my break down in 2009. I tried to write a few times after I got out of the hospital, but I just sat there staring at paper or the computer. Frozen in fear of what others may think when they read my unfiltered thoughts on life.

I lost my love for writing when I was called all sorts of foul names. I also developed a fear of expressing who I am. All that, simply because I had a different view of the world than the next person. I tried to be nice. I did. But soon, I found myself very angry that people could be so cruel to others for simply having a DIFFERENT WAY OF THINKING OR BELIEFS. Listen, I am OK if you are "pro-choice" and I am "pro-life". All I ask is that when you come to my home (home being this blog aka my mind) you not call me an idiot for my beliefs and I won't call you a murdering skank bag of a whore for murdering your child :) ok?

O.k.

I have beliefs and you have beliefs or maybe you don't. As in a belief of deity or not. And THAT'S OK!!! Don't call me a paranoid, delusional idiot for believing in Jesus Christ and I won't tell you that you are going to hell :) ok? Okaaaay :)

To clarify here, I did NOT just say I AM "pro-life" or that I was a believer. Its an EXAMPLE of the way I write. Sadly, I tend to "generalize" and "label" for sake of not getting TOO long winded in my thoughts. Even though, I for one, do not like "labels". I am guilty of using them for the sake of time and sadly, more people than not identify themselves by certain "labels". We have the "believer" and the "atheist", we have "Republicans" and "Democrats", "white" and "black" and the list goes on. It can get quite microscopic if you let it really. The labels that is.


Then I saw that coming out in my writing. The anger and disappointment. That people could be so cruel to one another. I didn't start writing to be angry or defensive about what I hold morally, ethically and spiritually in MY HEART as "right".

Am I saying that I AM right?

No.

It's just how I do.

I write for entertainment and I hope, the education first and foremost, for myself and secondly for others. Keep it RESPECTFUL and we will be fine. I will cover a variety of topics here. Some days may just be a thoughts journal like this one. Some days I will cover something more specific. A hodgepodge if you may. Most of it will be related to what I am thinking, going through or struggling with at the moment. I encourage you to participate here. I don't know everything and I wouldn't have invited you here if I did not value your opinion.

So welcome to my Silent Lucidity!

It's a new day.

Gammy